I’ve blocked all of our communication because I have to. I have to heal, I have to move forward. I have to move on and find what really makes me happy. More than that, I have to give my energy to the things and the people that also give back and fill up my cup.
Loving you was exhausting. I don’t mean that in a negative way, loving you wasn’t the hard part. You are a wonderful man with a gracious and caring heart. But giving all of my love, all of my attention, all of my concern, all of my praise and prayers, all of my positivity, all of my hopes and dreams and plans for the future – giving all of my heart – to a man who couldn’t give anything back to me, was excruciatingly difficult and devastatingly draining.
Please don’t think that I did not try or that I’m giving up. I’m not giving up, I’m letting go. I’m letting you go so that you can find the things and the people who also fill you up, the people who inspire you to set priority and goals and desires for your life.
I spent too long clinging to the hope that I am that person for you. I know that I am not. If I was meant for you, I would not feel the way that I feel. I feel like I gave everything I possibly could without return of investment. I thought if I waited long enough, you would say and do the things that I needed you to. I told you exactly what I wanted and what I needed.
I told you I needed closeness, I needed real connection and touch. I needed to share experiences and adventures with you. I needed to make memories and plans for a future together, even if that future was years down the road. I needed commitments and trust that you wanted what I did. A year ago, when you were here visiting, I asked you if we were on the same page. I will never forget that you didn’t say yes. Instead you said, I think so, a red flag I tried to ignore.
I tried to be creative in making plans with you; I researched, I made calls, I booked flights and hotels, I brainstormed and thought of ways that we could afford more trips to be together. But every time I brought up the suggestions, it felt like you shutting me down. There is no worse feeling than that. The feeling like the one person who is supposed to be your partner doesn’t care, does not want to put in equal effort to make the relationship work.
I got to a point where I kept quiet. I decided the best thing to do was to support you. I thought, forget about what I’m feeling and going through and help you first. Because when you’re better you could finally show up for me.
The problem with that is, I never put myself first. And you made the choice to put me somewhere else on your priority list too. I felt neglected, like I wasn’t valued. I felt underappreciated and like my actions and expressions of love were not reciprocated. My needs and my wants went unrecognized, while I tried to fulfill all of yours.
I have made a lot of changes in my life. I know more than ever I am not the type of person that can do this type of relationship. I do not want to be in a long-distance relationship ever again. I told you that I know plenty of people who have made it work but it only works when both people give equal time and effort. It only works when both people want the same thing. We don’t want the same things, I’m not sure we ever did.
I appreciate the things that you said to me in your last text, about wanting to fight for me and never falling out of love with me. I have wanted to hear those things for so long. But it is disheartening that I have to make a drastic change in order to be seen and heard and valued. I shouldn’t have to walk away for you to try and find me again.
I have been here the whole time but I feel like you’ve been looking right through me. I told you that I was more than willing to move to where you were to make this easier and to make this last. But you never wanted to talk about it or to dream of the possibilities. Your only response was, it’ll work out somehow. But real life doesn’t just work out. You have to talk about it, you have to think about it and you have to make plans. I tried. But when I wasn’t getting anywhere, I decided to take care of myself and stop looking for resolutions.
I just accepted a new position yesterday that is a three-year contract. I’m not going anywhere anymore. That window closed. You have made it abundantly clear that your wish and your dream is to stay where you are. I support that.
But you have never once put some real thought and consideration into moving here to be with me. I’m OK with that now; I know not everywhere is the right fit for every person. I want to be in a relationship with a man close to me. I want to see him throughout the week and go on weekend-long dates. I want to make memories and share experiences. I don’t want to talk through a screen and blow kisses to each other over a phone. I want intimacy and to feel desired. I don’t want to be denied my needs.
I don’t want long distance anymore. The stress is too much. I don’t deserve it and neither do you.
I have also decided that I want someone who understands and respects my need to do certain things together, at least talking deeply about them. For me that means personal development and exercises like writing down in my gratitude journal and reading and listening to inspirational podcasts. I crave a relationship with a man who I can share these experiences with. I remember trying to get you to join in on this practice with me, to talk about the things that we are grateful for that day and set goals for the following day. You never wanted to join me, you told me that you weren’t into that stuff. I respect that so I stopped asking. But it was like not sharing a piece of myself.
The same goes with my faith in God. I want to be with somebody who shares my faith. I’m not talking about a consistently-churchgoing-Bible-thumper, but I want a man who I can pray with, and lean into faith with when times get hard. I know now that is not a value in your own life. I thought that I could overbook these, because they were a part of me – not so much a part of the relationship. Except that those things that I crave, growing in faith and continuing to evolve and grow and believe in myself, those are all things that can build a strong foundation for a strong relationship.
I know in my heart that we do not have a strong foundation; we are missing certain connections. Those lost connections grow even weaker with the wear and tear of distance. That’s why I kept trying to plan trips. You would constantly tell me you’d think about it and look into plane tickets. I gave you time and believed you but months went by with little to no action. Then you told me its too expensive. When you told me you bought a ticket home, I was a strange mix of happy and heartbroken. I want you to go home, but I wanted you to want me too. I was devastated and I knew then that I am not your priority.
Our lives are going in different directions and that makes it impossible to come together. The last year and a half has been wonderful and life-changing. But it’s also been painfully challenging.
I appreciate you wanting to fight for me, but it feels in my heart too little too late. I think you would be better suited putting all of that energy towards bettering yourself. Believe in yourself, and you’ll be fine.
You’ll always have a place in my mending heart.